Mentalog #1 - Depression

Depression can be a very debilitating thing. It can be horrid, block focus, cause a loss of appetite, and even suicidal thoughts.

Wikipedia on Depression:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. Depressed persons may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, or problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, waking early, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.

I know many people that have depression, including myself. I suffer from a type of depression called Unipolar Depression, or Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

Wikipedia on MDD:

Major depressive disorder (also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder) is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. The term "major depressive disorder" was selected by the American Psychiatric Association to designate this symptom cluster as a mood disorder in the 1980 version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III), and has become widely used since. The general term depression is often used to denote the disorder; but as it can also be used in reference to other types of psychological depression, it is disfavored over more precise terminology for the disorder in clinical and research use. Major depression is a disabling condition which adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. In the United States, around 3.4% of people with major depression commit suicide, and up to 60% of people who commit suicide had depression or another mood disorder.

It can be very distracting, and some days can be worse than others. In my personal experience, it is hard to live with, and even harder to manage.

I wake up each morning feeling down in mood. I feel anxious, and like getting out of bed is not worth it. Each morning I have to force myself out of bed, take my pills, wash, et cetera. As the days go on, anti-depressants only help so much, but keep me sane. While my mood is neutral, it is still extremely hard to concentrate which makes working, schooling, and doing chores horrible experiences.

Every now and then, I can (and do) get suicidal thoughts. It's not as easy as getting therapy; my condition is mostly chemical, and I have a suicidal bout once a month or so for a few hours, to a few days.

I've lived with MDD since I was around 12, which makes it around 8 years. I've learned many skills to help me cope with and manage my depression. I had to mature much faster than many of my friends, and use certain crutches just to make it through the day.

While I hate this depression, it has also taught me alot about myself. It has made me stronger in many ways... And for that I thank it. But that's about the only optimism I can strain from is dirty, grubby vice-grip on my brain.


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References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unipolar_depression
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood)

Chem Log #1 - Snakey Mathematics (Amphetamine Salts {Adderall}) [Subject: Self]

My experience with amphetamines, mostly amphetamine salts, has occured over the past 8 or so months, since late December of 2009. I was prescribed them by my doctor for possible ADD, and upon noticing their euphoric and focus-increasing effects, decided to hone them for recreational use.

My first time trying it was, as to be expected, the most incredible, probably enhanced by the fact that I didn't know what the hell was going on. I took my 20 mg dose of Adderall IR in the morning and, after about 30 minutes, began to feel really... good. A fantastic body high grew inside of me, as did an extreme mental euphoria. I became extremely affectionate with my girlfriend, as well as my two housemates.

Of course, as I experimented more, different effects came. Early this year, each usage was proceeded by a psychosis and a bad depression. I stopped doing it for awhile, though eventually returned to try it once more and figure out exactly why this depression happened. Finally, through deep thinking, it occurred to me why I became depressed afterward:

I was sad that the good effects were wearing off.

As a person with major depressive disorder, this was not a fun thing. Through discovering this, however, I was able to eliminate this horrid effect. The only negative effects I really feel now are exhaustion from lack of sleep, and an annoying cotton-mouth. These symptoms can change depending on whether I am taking Adderall IR or XR.

I know my limits, and I know addiction, as I've been a smoker for one-and-a-half years. I've never been addicted to Adderall, though have gotten close; upon realizing that I was on the edge of addiction, I simply stepped back for awhile.

That is an overview of my personal experience with Adderall, and i'm sure other posts on it will be made more than once.

Chemical composition:

• 1/4 dextroamphetamine saccharate
• 1/4 dextroamphetamine sulfate
• 1/4 (racemic dextro/levo-)amphetamine aspartate monohydrate
• 1/4 (racemic dextro/levo-)amphetamine sulfate

Symptoms experienced (personally):

• Increased alertness (Heightened over time)
• Increased motivation
• Increased talkativeness
• Euphoria (Dulled over time)
• Reduced appetite
• Dilated pupils
• Restlessness
• Dry mouth
• Headache (Rare)
• Tachycardia
• Bruxism (Under control)
• Increased blood pressure
• Dizziness (Rare)
• Twitching, uncontrollable ticks
• Insomnia
• Depression (Under control)
• Inability to achieve orgasm

Reference of Amphetamine chemical make-ups:

Introduction

... And as the big bang brought existence, so did the internet bring Catis.

Well, i've actually been around for quite awhile, but that is hardly the point. I've had blogs before, but needed a fresh start now.

I am Alex. I am also Catis, Fear, Manchester, and i'm sure there are a few other miscellaneous names. I live in California, stand at 6'2" or so, and have Austrian, German, Irish, and many other assorted European roots.

But enough with the crap you don't care about. I will be writing on a cocktail of subjects on this blog, most commonly video games, drug experiences, and mental issues. Other assorted things may appear, but those two subjects (I believe) will be the most consistent.

Enjoy the reading. Or don't. The choice is yours, and it's your right to have it.